I fell in love with People: The Confessions of an Ex-Introvert

(Let’s try that again, shall we?)

I think it’d be really interesting, or else revealing, to see my life in retrospect. A sort of “This Is Your Life”, conveyor-belt style look back at every single mistake, every awkward moment I tucked to the back of my mind, every laughing fit and every paign of hurt or jealousy or love or euphoria or fulfilment. Having just written this down, it does sound like a bit of a nightmare. “Why would you want to torture yourself with the uncomfortable failure that is your life?” is what you’re thinking right now. Well first of all, Rude. But honestly, there are parts of my life, or specifically my personality of which I simply don’t remember where they came from; defining aspects of my very existence that I don’t really have any relocation of. There are probably many really good examples of this, but I'm thinking of one specific example: I started to love people: and I'm not really sure when it happened.

I will be the first to admit that I am a cynical, ummm…. Person. (I’ll be honest with you, I struggled there to find a way to say that wasn’t just ‘bitch’). For a very long time I had been of the opinion that people suck. People were just the worst. And I guess I still am of that ideology, in the sense that the human race has this astounding ability to be selfish and dumb and panicking and unnecessarily violent. But all that aside, if I had to pinpoint some period where I decided people weren’t so bad, and subsequently opened myself up must have been at some point this academic year. This is the part where I reveal myself as the token university student who has met some ‘amazing people’ and bleats on about how ‘my friends are the bestest ever!! xxxx’. While trying to steer clear of such cliches, yes, I have indeed met and been hanging out with some people of late who at the very least  have let me see human nature in a different way; who have essentially introduced me to a way of treating people that isn’t either London Cynicism or African Traditionalism. I suppose I would say that’s a big part of it. Now, I should probably spare you the awkwardness of reading about feeling abandoned or neglected as a child, or not fitting in at school as a result of my cultural background or feeling like a spare part to any friends I did have or whatever, but just know that’s another contributing factor probably to my self-diagnosed introvertism at the time. But, somehow I feel like I’ve dropped some of the incredulous personality traits and I don’t meet new people with judgemental scowl on my face. At least not immediately. I guess that’s called character development? That’s all thanks to those aforementioned people I’ve been spending time with, and they probably know who they are. I hope they do. I like to think that they do.I suppose I was just spending time around the wrong people before.

Now, don't get me wrong! I still am very aware of the fact that people are inherently flawed. That whatever person you meet, however good natured they may be, however much you appreciate their presence in your life, they WILL most categorically let you down. They'll be inconsiderate. They'll be inconsistent. They portray actions that at the very least seem selfish to you. I don't know if you realise this but humans are selfish. They just are. It's called survival instinct.

That was rhetorical. Of course I know that you know this. But if you're anything like me, you'll go out with  this resolute fact in your head, you'll know that somehow this person awesome wacky cool person whose "unlike anyone you've ever met before" is gonna upset or hurt up in some way that they may not even have necessarily done intentionally, but you'll still dive in headfirst, all guns blazing. Now I wish I could tie up this already slightly-incoherent post with a nice little end note of whether it's better to be a cold bitch and just close everyone out cause you think everyone is shit, or to blindly wander into the perpetual minefield of loving people and making yourself stupidly vulnerable KNOWING that everyone is shit. However, I think we both that I'm not at all qualified to tell you with one is right. I mean, I’m just a dysfunctional music fan that can’t run a blog properly - what do I know? But all I can tell you is how I try to deal with it. I guess when I do get that the-world-is-against-me-I’m-a-burden-to-all-my-friends thing, I try to look in on myself. I try to remember all the frankly awesome parts of myself. I try to reinstate what’s makes me me, independant of other individuals. Whether that reaffirming my faith or listening to music that makes me happy or empowered or inspired or -  oh I don’t know, writing a blog post? But I don’t know about all that. I still need to find out how to be the best version of me, I suppose.

For now, I'm just enjoying trying to see the best parts of myself and enjoying the company of friends that enrich my life and I genuinely think are p darn cool (that's the street slang all the kids are using). When - not if - they break my heart, I'll be sure to let you know.